Monday, December 07, 2009

Monk Puns

Jewish humor has the village of Chelm.

I propose a new archetype: the pun-fortunate Monastery of Mendelian Monks.

In its early days, the Abbey of Saint Theodore was only famous as a place where heretics were judged. In 1822 a violent, midget warlock was caught speaking with the dead. He was brought to the abbey in chains, to be sentenced by the abbot, but the next day escaped. The abbot hired a boy to run through the nearest town to warn people about a small medium at large.

Many monasteries are known for their practical yet beautiful gardens, and the Abbey of Saint Theodore was no exception. However, in the late 1800s its location near the sea allowed that abbey, during the life of Brother Bruno, a monk with particularly brilliant culinary ability, to also be famous for its fish and chips. Bruno's fame lasted nineteen years, until a scandal happened when a food critic from Prague visited the abbey and discovered that it was actually the chef's assistant, Brother Alvin, that prepared the fish so exquisitely: Bruno himself only had skill with potatoes. Soon all of Prague was gossiping about Alvin and the Chip Monk.

Brother Alvin the fish chef also became famous for his failed theory that a meditative trance could prevent pain during surgery. (All other Mendelian Monks used special herbs they had developed, which could numb an area quite well.) Alvin tested this idea himself while having a tooth pulled. The trance did not lessen the pain; he could not transcend dental medication.

After the Order of Mendel was established in the early 1900s, the Abbey of Saint Theodore became a hub of biology research. Initially the monks only had success in developing new kinds of plants. Their attempts to breed lizards were all disastrous cases of reptile dysfunction.

Inspired by their success in creating new and beautiful plants, some of the Mendelian Monks began selling flowers. The abbot was horrified at monks using their order's secret knowledge for personal financial gain, and ordered a stop to all selling of plant material. But one monk ignored the decree. The abbot could not discover which monk was rebellious until he hired a detective named Hugh Hurvl. In gratitude the abbot proclaimed that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

In the 1920s the Mendelian Monks found how to breed marine mammals that could live forever if fed seagull meat. An immoral monk participating in that project began to trap seagulls on a nearby private beach owned by a nobleman named Count Rulf. Rulf noticed footprints on the beach and thought robbers were visiting the beach at night to plan a burglary, so he purchased two trained lions to patrol his property. The next day the monk encountered the lions, but used his secret Mendelian animal lore to put them to sleep. However, after trapping another seagull that monk was seen by the Count and arrested for transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Another famous Mandelian Monk was Brother Hiltguard, who by day saw genuine, glorious visions of his Lord but by night was plagued by nightmares in which his Savior spoke to him with urgent words impossible to understand because the Son of God had steaming, putrid breath. Brother Hiltguard always walked barefoot, even in Winter, and the soles of his feet grew so tough that he could walk comfortably on snow. The rest of his body was not as resistant to cold, however, and he died of pneumonia: a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

boo hiss!
Juat our kind of Puns!
hugs & blessings,