Thursday, February 21, 2013
Creative Vulgarity from Children's Literature
So, what fills my mind during a grueling hike up Mount Pisgah?
In truth, not much. Pushing a jogging stroller up a steep hill for an hour while talking to a chatty four-year-old tends to quiet the inner monologue.
But later that day I thought of yet more creative vulgarities that take children's literature or television in wrong directions. Here are my current favorites. I try to make them subtle enough to fly over the heads of children. Be warned that they become more obscene as you keep reading.
Trolls under the bridge to Terabithia! - Terebithia stands for the place of imagination, so this imprecation describes writer's block or any obstacle to imagination.
George's tail! - Even though he is called a monkey, George has no tail and is actually a chimpanzee. So this malediction is used when something is proved not to exist.
Mavis's stones! - Mavis is an often unpleasant engine who shunts trucks in a quarry. Thomas and his friends do not like working with her attitude or the heavily loaded trucks she prepares them to take to construction sites. This fulmination describes something doubly unpleasant.
Donald's codpiece! - We all know what a big codpiece is supposed to represent. And Donald is a duck. Ever wonder why Daisy found that bumbler attractive?
Fraggle fewmets! - Fraggles are small. How might we track them? A vilification for something made difficult because it requires focused concentration about something unpleasant.
Pooh covered gorse-bushes! - During an expedition to find the north pole, Winnie-the-Pooh fell onto a gorse-bush. This denunciation describes something unpleasant that sounds even worse than it is.
Tinkerbell's orgy! - Peter Pan had his nose tweaked by a parade of drunk fairies. Identical meaning to the previous phrase.
Little Bear playing doctor! - In Little Bear's Friend the hero makes friends with a young girl whose doll gets broken. Little Bear fixes the doll. That's all. Again, identical meaning to the previous two phrases.
Hooper's flavored raincoats! - Luis and Maria needed to shop somewhere, at least for the first few months after their wedding until their daughter was conceived. Refers to something everyone knows is there but no one will talk about.
Jadis's frigid thighs! - Can't you picture one of the Dwarves of Narnia saying this?
Hansel's bone! - Hansel is trapped in a cage by a nearly-blind witch. She tries to fatten him up, but he holds a thin bone (in most versions of the story a chicken bone) through the bars to trick her into waiting to slaughter him. Only an obscenity because of slang.
Beren's balls! - Beren was an ancient warrior of Middle-Earth and the manliest hero ever. Remember in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy how Sauron was weakened and only an eye, and it still required every hero of that generation working together to defeat him? About 6,500 years earlier, Sauron was at his full strength and Beren's dog took him down.
Clark's kleenex! - A reference to a Larry Niven story. I do not like this obscenity: in my mind it means "an insurmountable problem!" but it could be understood as referring to Lois in a demeaning way.
Toothless Ewoks! - In prison the Wookies knock out their teeth, because gums slide better.